And then there were 4
You Might Also Like
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis