Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Finally
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity