My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.