I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Current mood: Potato
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.