8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem