Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
dutch is not a serious language
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Saw your ex at the shops
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.