PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
You Might Also Like
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
same energy
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far