Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Finally, a door that understands me
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
i hope my email finds you on fire
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.