Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.