me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
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Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.