I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Breaking news:
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I got bills
They’re multiplying
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Beware of the dog..
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week