Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Go hard or stay average
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
The Sun’s probably Asian.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*