I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!