Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
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Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
In case you needed to hear it:
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
oh no, steve’s working tonight
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!