I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Worth the read.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
The Birdles
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
If you’re testing me, we failed.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…