I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?