One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.