Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
moms in horror movies
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Thinking about Jeff
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
PLEASE READ
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.