War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized