Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Worlds greatest photobomb
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me