I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”