It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
The biggest mystery of our time
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Pretty much. 🤣
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: