who wants to go expliring
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Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Webb. James Webb.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog