Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit