[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.