My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about