criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.