Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
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Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.