I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.