Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
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CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Battery falling down a hole
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies