You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.