Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I don’t get marriage
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I hope Alan is OK
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Haha! 😂
Just got to our Airbnb!
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f