New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”