The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
You Might Also Like
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Wednesday
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.