I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?