Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.