My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
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If only
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”