Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
can’t catch a break
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.