Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Anyone want a chair?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.