Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.