Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Made something I’m not proud of
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.