Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
That eye roll….
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids