My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”