Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
You Might Also Like
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
lmfao come on
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.