I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Breaking news:
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.