My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
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MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.