once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
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I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..