You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Flock of bats
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
wow he looks just like him
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Canada has crack?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you