In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer