Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Finally a use for spoilers…
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.